chill

Right now I'm waiting alone in an empty house. Not my house - which is chaotic, small and messy - a house in which no one lives. A window repairman will be here soon and I have the key.

It's peaceful.  I've forgotten what complete quiet is like.  I miss it.  I don't mean quiet to be just about noise in this case.  Everything in this house is beige and there is no furniture.  There isn't even a scent in the air but the perfume I sprayed on this morning. All of my senses are taking a small break.

This is something I need to do from now on - find some time to shut down.  I worked on a revision until 2 am and, frankly, the paper still sucks.  I was supposed to have finished another by today, but got hung up staring at the other, willing my overactive brain to make a dry research paper come alive for the person who will be grading it. I doubt I achieved excellence.

I used to teach guided meditation.  I used to meditate almost daily.  I did yoga and stretched and took walks so that I could look at trees. 

What happened to me? 

Somehow I've become this hurried, worried, spacey blob of a human and I'm realizing I do this a lot.  I find some peace, simplify, then start worrying that I'm lazy, going nowhere, have no money or whatever and quickly throw myself into 15 different projects/roles and then get fried. 

This quiet, beige room is reminding me that I need to chill.